@ Omers. My horse is great, with a lovely temperament. I sometimes take him for a walk bareback (But with a headcollar) around the field and just let my emotions run free. I've also sat on his back in the stable while he was eating, with tears pouring down my face. Horses have a way of bringing out the real emotions that you otherwise tend to bottle up.

@Wolfsong - I think I give a lot of emotional things into my relationship, and neglect myself in the process. My boyfriend provides most earthly and monetary things - but that's not what I require. I have only recently started to be completely honest with him about my emotional needs - basically I'm too exhausted to walk on my own, and need his emotional support. At the moment I am too numb to really know what makes me hapy. Some days (Probably when I'm hypomanic) I really enjoy shopping. Not over the top, but just being able to spoil myself. It makes me happy when I can help others (But then this becomes a catch-22). And at the moment my bed is my solace - I'm happiest when i can run away and not feel. I don't really have the energy to read a good book, which I used to do a lot. I enjoy playing puzzle type games on my computer (At the moment it's Chuzzles). I have made a really intricate Excel spreadsheet for my boyfriend to run his business with, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment.

@Blackpup - I need to learn how to live my emotions, and stop the negative thoughts. I've just bought a BP worksbook that I actually need to invest some time in.

@Innerzone - I wish it was as easy to wash away the guilt and understand the full effect that BP has on person. But what part of the person sitting infront of this computer right now is Jackie, and what is the BP? I almost feel like a demon has entered my body is calling the shots. Like I am no longer in control of who or what I am. I don't know myself anymore.

@ Venus - I used to be a strong Christian; I still am to an extent. I totally understand the negative karma part too. I pick up on aura's very easily, and cannot handle people that are emotionally incongruent.

@BNL - I hear where you are coming from - focus on the good you have in your life, the things you ought to be grateful for. But in the throws of depression, it is hard to look outwards. I agree that this way of thinking needs to become a habit, and it starts during the times when you are feeling stable.

@PT - it is rather frightening when you realise it's a permanent decision. I actually read that quote on a website I stumbled upon yesterday while looking for suicide prevention methods. It does hit home. What I also read, and what makes so much sense - a person committing suicide is not looking to die - but rather to escape the pain.
If only I could go into temporary sleep mode (Call it coma if you want) until the painful cycle is over. We all know the darkness will eventually lift - it's just surviving it that is difficult.

I have taken on a lot of responsiblity for someone my age (25 in December). I haven been with my boyfriend for 5 years now (Barring a 6 month break); I have decided to try walk this BP story partially on my own (As in, my parents have not been involved) I work in a high-profile job, with lots of responsiblities, earning more than a person my age should (Hence the increased pressure on me to perform). I help out in my boyfriend's business where I have a 5% stake. I am still getting to know myself and what makes me tick.
I am a very logical and analytical person, which makes BP even worse for me, as I need to find a reason for everything.

I really appreciate your inputs. I'm still very down and exhausted - think I may take Thursday off work...? But the sui thoughts have definitely subsided. My pdoc once said that sui thoughts need to be taken serious, but often hospitalisation is not needed, as they tend to only last for a few hours. In my case it probably was correct - but if I'd been able to get home earlier than I did, the likelihood of me having taken an OD would have been huge. I actually mentioned to my bf that he should probably monitor my med intake - but he doesn't yet understand what meds are my regular and acceptable ones, and which would pose a problem.

I really appreciate all your inputs and support - I hope I didn't trigger anyone. Please keep your comments coming - they mean a lot to me!