bpd, I understand what you are feeling and you are not whining. I went through this when I lost my dad 8 years ago. My therapist asked me in the months afterward if I had ever had a "hard" cry. I told her not really, just little tears going to sleep here and there. She told me I needed to allow myself to just lose control (in a safe way)...you know, lock the door, make sure you have privacy, and just sob it all out. I can't remember her exact explanation, but she said something like, "you need to be on the couch letting your grief out" or something like that. It helped me. Good luck to you, and don't feel bad if you don't want to do anything during the holidays...it's normal. 8 years on for me and I still resent Christmas.

Maybe you can write your therapist a note after your mood has evened out a little and tell her how you felt during your last visit, if you're not comfortable just bringing it up for the first time right after walking through the door and sitting down.