O gosh. Yesterday, he told me he would contact me today, so we could meet. This was after he told me we would meet yesterday, but didn't. But nothing, not even a cancellation call. This was after, for the first time EVER in the three years I've been with him, that I reached out to him in an email and told him I was having horribly intrusive images that involved suicide. And that they scared me. (They're related to OCD). I have never been able to be that honest before with him. I typically keep those things to myself, because I fear reactions. I told him I worried about compulsions it took to stop them.

It might be hard to understand, but my team is crisis based. When we need them, they're there. (Well supposed to be). I haven't used that aspect of them yet. But people in the program can also take advantage of it. Those who are needy may call the on call phone, because they're just lonely. They also have a lot of really severe cases, most of them have spent a good chunk of their lives in state psych wards. Severe schizophrenia, and unmanaged bipolar 1. And then there's also people like me. Who are functional in society, but still are required to be there, because I've spent a good portion of my time in private hospitals and my insurance company would rather not cover those expenses. However they are sorely understaffed right now apparently, because all I do, all day, everyday is sit at home staring at four walls.

I've showed interest in getting out into the community, but due to my narcolepsy, I can't currently drive. I don't live walking distance of any towns. They took my case worker away, and made my lovely therapist my caseworker, so I have no services in that area, so everytime I bring up wanting to get involved. I have to give up a therapy session (precious gold in these days) to talk about caseworking stuff. And it's really not just him, it's the whole team. They don't include me in gatherings, because they think that I'm somehow just perfectly fine here on my own. But I'm not. And just because I talk to them, and don't act like a victim of a mental illness doesn't mean I don't deserve the care that's rightfully mine! It's not fair. I am so tired and depressed and sick and nobody is listening to me. And I just want to scream. I DESERVE HELP TOO. STOP IGNORING ME. Stop canceling my therapy sessions for them, stop making me feel like I'm not good enough. Stop making me wait for them. Stop telling me one thing and doing the other. Don't get upset with me, because you're upset with them. And stop telling me I'm trapped here. How am I supposed to trust anyone under those circumstances?!