Sannah I don't know why I felt distant at the beginning of the appt. I did things a little bit diff than last week (I didn't take a moment for myself in the beginning like last week and I just felt stuck. In my head I thought about what I wanted to say ahead of time (some of it was leftover from last session) and when I got there I just 'gave up'. It would kind of be like doing all this training for a marathon and then showing up for the race and just standing there as everyone runs past you. Your legs stay frozen and any energy you had before the race just leaves your body. I had that feeling today. I just wanted to be the runner that collapsed at the starting line of the race to never stand up again. I feel disappointed in myself, cheated and destructive right now.

As for feeling pushed aside I totally feel that way. I feel like I don't matter and if I say something to her she's going to be upset with me for being needy and want to get rid of me. That hurts.