Hi Everyone-

I am new here. I was just officially diagnosed with Bipolar late last week, after three years full of hospitalizations, three suicide attempts, and buckets of different medications.

I have been struggling with Anorexia for a long time. I was hospitalized for this three times over the coarse of the past three years. In addition to the Anorexia, the docs thought that I had Major Depressive Disorder, which led to over sixty ECT treatments and a ton of medications. Despite the treatments, nothing seemed to help.

Then, in September, I mysteriously stopped sleeping. I would spend hours cleaning, organizing, and doing things for my four kids. I was never tired. After a month or so of this, I hit a wall. I still couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted. My doc thought that the Emsam patch that I was taking was putting me in a medication-induced hypomania. He took me off of the patch, but I didn't get better. He tried Seroquel, Zyprexa, and other meds. They didn't work. I became very suicidal.

Finally, last week, after listening to my suicidal ideations and pleas for sleep, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.

He put me on 1,000 mg of Depakote and back on the Emsam patch.

Despite the diagnosis, I feel worse than ever. I am very suicidal. I am feeling extremely groggy, due to the meds. The Depakote makes me feel terrible (foggy and out of it). I am still not sleeping enough.

My question is, when people are first diagnosed, do most docs put people in the hospital, while they experiment with different drugs? Being in the "real world" with four kids seems risky with all of this drug experimentation.

I stopped taking the Depakote over the weekend. I couldn't take the feelings anymore. My suicidal urges have grown, and my irrational thinking is at an all-time high. Also, after reading the posts about Depakote weight gain, I don't want to take it. I still struggle with my ed and will go crazy if I gain weight.

Does Lithium cause the same weight gain? What is it like to be initially put on Lithium? Does it produce the same side-effects as the Depakote?

I am losing my mind. I cannot live like this. I am hanging by a fine thread. I know I have four kids, but I need peace. I have no guilt about wanting to die.

Thanks.