I have only one xanax left. I don't have a prescription. It is from a friend -- I plan to get a script when I get health insurance. But I don't want to take my very last one.

I am going to a friend's house tonight so that will be a break from this. I definitely have not slowed down at all in a while - I recently submitted all my grad school applications (mailed the last one today) and that combined with crazy work stress and family stress is really... I am scared to slow down just yet, I'm scared I will lose my mind.

Something just occurred to me which is that at work today some grad students were talking about PTSD and their experiences treating people with it. It might be what is happening right now, maybe I got triggered from that, maybe I am having some kind of weird reliving experience... I know that at the moment while they were talking I just wanted to RUN or throw up or hide. And now I have that feeling like I've done a terrible thing, like I'm really BAD and I don't know why and I'm totally freaking out. My brain's a mess, my day is a blur, ahhh I don't want to think about this anyMORE.