I'm sorry too, LookingforCalm, that you've had experiences with cancer and abuse as well. I hate it so much... And you're right, both of you, that I should get help but I know I just can't. I'll try, though, I will...

And thanks Looking, I'd love to be cyber buddies.

Also, today the strangest thing happened. After I posted I had to get out of the house so I took my bike and road around. Got incredibly drunk. I drove around for a while but I ended up at my friend's house. The lead singer of my band. I only remember bits and pieces but I think I told him a little bit about what'd happened to me, and a little bit about my brother and... I don't know. It was painful, so painful. But he was actually really happy that I'd let him in and he said that he'd never be mad! I mean... I thought that was pretty great. I always thought we had that kind of "opportunity" friendship, but it seems like he actually cares, haha. I do feel kind of naked, though, even though he barely knows anything. I just know that if he ever decided to hurt me I'd be.... I don't know. Eventually I said I had to go and went home before he could make me stay. He wanted me to sober up first but I had to get out of there. I also feel pretty stupid now though.

Talking to my friend distracted me for a while, but now my mind's back on Andy and I don't know how I'm gonna get through tonight. I'm already starting to drink. My apartment is really dark and small, I hate it sometimes. It makes me feel like an idiot.

I almost want to call my friend again. It was so nice just being in the same room as him. Knowing he was there. He really cares. But I know I'd be a moron to call him. I mean, one that would make me even more pathetic, and two, after I ran out like that in a hurry he's probably a bit pissed.