(((((bpd mess)))) That must have been very hard to go through for you. I am sorry. Yes, you should be gentle with yourself. That was a very hard part of your life and this will be a tough holiday season as it is first one without your mom. :-(
Allow yourself the freedom to be sad sometimes when it hits you. And it will. Just focus on being honest with yourself about you each day - one day at a time. One hour at a time.