I've never had a problem in the past with the holiday season. I'm Jewish so I never view it as a religious event (I would have a hard time doing so as I agree with kvinneakt, what do pine trees, Santa, shopping, shopping, eating, North Pole, gifts, and shopping have to do with the events described in the bible?)

I've always enjoyed the season as a "standardized" time of year to see people and celebrate my friends and life. I've been fortunate not to have been effected by winter syndrome from the short days. I rather like the season, the decorations, the spirit, and even the gift-giving as long as it doesn't get out of hand.

I've always had a huge, fun New Year's Eve party with as many friends and aquaintences as I can fit into my home, and always try to have a small gathering before Christmas just with special friends for some conversation and amusement. Thanksgiving I usually spend on my own because I enjoy being on my own and that was my "day" to relax. Some years that was my day to donate some time to volunteer to help the less fortunate. Usually Christmas Day itself was also a loner day for me as my friends would spend the day with their families, but I would be happy that day setting up and decorating for New Year's.

With this depression everything is completely on its head. Last year I couldn't have a New Year's party because of my arthritis and also the growing depression. Because of the arthritis I couldn't get out to any other parties either. There is a huge difference between spending a holiday alone because you want that day to yourself, and spending it alone because you can't get anywhere and don't have anyone who can be with you.

I hate to admit this next part because it demonstrates a growing selfishness in me that I never considered a part of my personality.

I was ALWAYS very big on gift giving during the holidays. I just always liked giving at that time of year. Gifts were usually exchanged as a part of my New Year's party and I always made sure I had something for everyone there and some extra stuff for "drop ins" where people would bring people they knew at the last minute. My main gifts though were always well thought out and I was never very "religious" about the gift giving. By that I mean I would not make a list of people for whom I felt obligated to buy gifts. Rather I would shop throughout the year and when I would come across something that would be PERFECT for so-and-so I would pick it up for them. I of course had a short list of people that I had to get something for, but the rest of the gifts were always just things that I thought people would love and matched their personality. I also never felt pressured to get something for someone just because I knew I would be seeing them over the holiday season. That took a lot of the stress out of shopping and helped make the season enjoyable for me.

I never really cared about getting gifts myself. I always had to make my shopping philosophy clear so that people wouldn't feel obligated to give gifts to me in return. Truth be told I was always somewhat uncomfortable receiving gifts. I really enjoyed the holiday and the company and the connections to friends.

Of course last year I could not enjoy that connection because I was unable to see anyone. That left me very depressed through the holiday. But what was really shocking was that I ended up not getting any gifts from anyone! No gifts from family, from friends, not for Christmas, Hannukah, nor my birthday in January. I did get some gifts from some friends I've had throughout my life, and something that I really liked from a co-worker. That showed me that all the gifts I had gotten during previous years were just things that people felt obligated to get.

I hate to be this petty about getting gifts but the point is that everyone who says they love me so much couldn't even be bothered to think of me during the holiday. It isn't so much about the lack of gifts in itself but of how quick everyone has been to abandon me now that I'm not able to get out and around to see them. No calls from people, no cards, seemed like people barely even remembered me.

It is not that I think any particular people "owed" me a gift, that's not the way I think about life and especially that's not the way that I shop. But I would have thought that the law of averages would have had at least a few of the people I felt so close to would have found something that they thought appropriate if they were indeed "thinking of me" as much as they profess.

So this year is about a million times worse, because the depression is full blown, and the holiday "blues" set in very early for me. The bigger factor is that previously I was upset that no one was around when I was in trouble... but since being in the hospital I have specifically asked people for help and support and very very few have come through. So it is no longer a matter of being forgotten as much as now being avoided. The depression is so hard to deal with and I really feel like I am completely on my own. I've been getting out to support groups when I can but I'm here daily in my home alone, suffering, unable to get out and not able to get anyone to talk to or visit me. (I've been unable to go to work for several months now, and even my friends at work have completely cut off any contact for several weeks, not a peep out of a single one of them).

I don't know how I am going to survive this holiday! With regard to the gift thing I've got a big catch-22 going now. If no one remembers me again then of course it will reinforce my anger, but if people do show up I already feel that it will be because they know I've been hospitalized and that I am suffering this year. Who wants when you know they are only out of pity?

I know that the depression colors our thoughts and emotions. I really hate that I feel this petty about material things all of a sudden in my life. It makes me feel selfish and the antithesis of everything I was proud of with regard to my personality and "philosophy" of life. I try not to beat myself up over it because I hope it is just the depression effecting my personality and my view of the world.

Whew!