Hi irishgirl. welcome to PC. You've gotten some very good advice in these pages and it sounds like there are a lot of people here who understand a lot of what you are going through. It sounds like if you can, get into the hospital. There are several reasons for this.

First, you sound like you might well be on the edge of hurting yourself, and if you are unstable, you might not have the best judgement concerning the children, nto that you would deliberately hurt them. All of you need to be soemwhere where the temptation to escape the apin doesn't get the best of you, or the iritation of dealing with the pain doesn't take up too much of your atttention.

Second. Your husband sounds like he puts you under way too much stress for you to be able to manage going onto a meds regime and to be able to see what really helps and what doesn't. Just getting meds is stressfull because of the side effects and the way it forces you to change how you think about yourself, your life style and your illness. If he is as bad as you say, you need protection from him and his emotional and sexual abuse right now, at least, until you can get the basics ironed out.

I'm sorry if my words offend you, dear. I could never call a spade an agricultural implement, as I'm suremany hear could testify to. I never have been hospitalized for mydisorder, but ihave been where I should have been, and actually have begged to be. As far as the drugs, even though many have the resputation for certain side effects, all of us react in different ways, some don't have certain problems at some points in our lifes, but those come later, you will probably have to see how you handle them yourself. I had no problem with lithium as a youngster, but many when I got past my thirties. seroquel, wonderfull for me, not so for others. And so it goes.

Please stay safe, hon. Hug your babies and remember how much you need each other. HUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS from the North, if you're in Ireland there.