Thank you for your concern. Well......my session was not the worst and not the greatest. I was disappointed, kind of, because as many of you told me, my T wasn't bothered by anything in my emails. I didn't get into so much depth about any one problem. I didn't want to close my eyes; I wanted to see her, so we didn't do IFS.

She thinks it's a part of me that wanted to see her house, not all of me, when I described my feelings. She thought it made sense that I did it.

She steered the conversation to my feeling more depressed lately, and thought I should volunteer if I can't or don't want to find another job.

I said that I thought I'd do better with her away, that I'm still sort of obsessing about Ts though I think it's different with her. She said it was good that the issues came up so we know what to work on. I told her that my former T never traveled, and she said she traveled a lot. I didn't really want to hear that.

I talked about being jealous of her and her husband.

Before I left, I asked for a hug. Last time we hugged for the first time but I didn't feel it. This time it was much better! But when I left her office and went into the hall, the sadness hit me. I sat down on a bench I never saw there before. I was surprised to hear her voice. She came out and was talking on her cell phone. She saw me and asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. I said I didn't feel good because the little parts didn't get to talk. She said I hadn't wanted to do IFS about them, which was true. She asked if it would help if we walked out together. I said yes. So we did. I said I wanted to hold her hand. I know it sounds so dumb but she did it, just for the short walk to my car. She told me it was okay to cry, but I didn't. I said I wanted the session to be more intense, but it wasn't.

Of course the walking out together made me feel better but I'm still depressed. Maybe I do need meds. I've never taken them before. I realize she can't be the answer to my problems; she can only help me find the answer. Shattered dreams again, though I know she's not more than my T.

I know I feel what I do when I write it, but the talking about the feelings is a letdown. She wanted to know if I felt better after sending those emails, which I did.

We talked about my writing and how it's the only thing I can look forward to doing if I don't have a job. I told her how much PC means to me too.

So, that was it. At one point I told her I wanted her to be perfect and she said "I'm far from perfect." I think I've told that to other Ts and they gave me the same answer. I see she's not perfect and it bothers me. I told her that maybe I hate myself but not all of me. She said a part of you hates yourself.

So, I'm not better. My H keeps asking me if I am. He sees therapy as a waste if I'm not better after 15 years.