Oh Lllith, confused, hurting, and sitting in bed waiting for the end of the world: you have described my childhood. I got taken to the Dr. about something wrong down there when I was 3 or 4. It's all pretty blocked out, but, when Mom took me to the toy store for being a good girl, I puked on their floor. As an adult, when I asked Mom what that Dr visit was about, she didn't recall. Anything. Not even me puking in public. I thought I was gonna die. I thought my father was gonna kill me. I thouht that if I could just live till I was 18 and could get away from my family and the horror of school everything would be ok. Wrong!!! But, at least the thought kept me going during that period of my life. At some point I got turned on to the concept: right here and right now, in this very moment, I'm ok. Breath with that thought. To stay out of the past and the future and learn to "be here now". Kinda give myself a little relief. As the years have gone by and I've been able to create a safe space physically for myself to live in, this concept of being ok has expanded. I actually feel safer more than I feel unsafe!!! Can you believe it? And I've developed lots of habits to comfort myself when I freak. I have decorated my space with things that make me smile so I can just look around to distract myself. For instance: My lamps are ones I bought at thrift stores that are stuffed animals turned into lights. these i have dressed up in funny glasses, hats, accutraments. They are jsut so silly they crack me up and lift my mood and get me through the moment. As for body memories, I've tried to reclaim my body by covering bad memories with good/safe/self induced rituals. Comfort my hurt parts. Baths with favorite smells really get me through big kaka. I feel like I spent my whole childhood holding my beath. Learning to breath and then remembering to breath -- I work on it every day. Another thing that is easy and handy and works for me is looking through catalogs. I go through the trash at the post office and pick up all kinds of interesting stuff. I not only distract myself, I learn something as well. Hang in there, it can move, it really can.