Quote:
Originally Posted by Myers
To be completely honest, I have not been doing the best lately. I've got that claustrophobia feeling again. It's not really "claustrophobia", but that's the best I can describe it. And I'm not really trapped in a small space, but I'm trapped in something.
In the past week alone, I've had three people openly tell me that I should leave my wife and kids, turn myself in to the authorities, and have them throw me in a padded room with a straight jacket because I'm a danger to innocent people. Then a woman accused me of threatening and manipulating her. I spawned a cult-like following that was described by an intelligent individual as "a bunch of lost souls who cling to your identity so desperately that if threatened, they become violent." And I left a community in turmoil. ... The actions committed by me were not intentional ... Yet, I cause destruction to everyone I encounter if I'm exposed to them for a long enough amount of time. It goes to show my lack of control over all this woe. I rhymed.
Lastly, and most unnervingly... I was recently doing some research on the late and infamous Mr. Bundy, and I couldn't help but notice the correlations between our pasts and mindsets. I'm not about to go ... do what Bundy did ... I bear no resentment toward women. But Bundy had a rage that he couldn't control. I feel like I'm losing control. My rage isn't directed toward anything in particular, but it wreaks havoc all the same. How do I stop it?
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Good writing. I have severe ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, ODD & when you take those and put it together you get a perfect breeding ground for Borderline Personality Disorder...either that or those 3 mental illnesses came from my Borderline Personality Disorder. Anyways, I find it very interesting that a someone with APD would visit this website. I've always had the perception that they don't see anything is wrong with themselves, and they feel they are superior to everyone.
I've often times read about men and women like Bundy and found myself very afraid. Not of Bundy but afraid of myself. Right now I am perfectly calm, and nothing is bothering me, but good God, when something gets me mad, or when someone is in the way of something I need/want/want to do, I could easily become a Bundy. I have literally, convulsed & felt my whole body shake, because I was so enraged. The anger isn't just an emotion at that point, the anger has literally become ME. It doesn't matter who I hurt or what I have to do, that anger is hungry and it will get what it wants.
I don't want to give off the wrong idea, I don't sit around thinking murderous thoughts, and in fact, I am one of the most sensitive, forgiving, and loving people I know, but once you've gotten in the way of something that I want, or you've crossed my line, well..it's bad. I do worry sometimes that I might turn out to be someone horrible one day, but then I go through the periods of such happiness and peace, that it seems impossible. Fortunately, I do have empathy and love, in general, for others, but not always....