You are definitely not alone. I experienced bullying growing up, and have the same problems with feeling I'm being watched and fear of being judged, especially by authority figures.

It can be very painful, and sometimes the anxiety spreads into lots of other parts of life. Yes, it can definitely get better. Even a little bit of talk therapy can help. I see you have had professional treatment before--I hope those were good experiences. Even if they weren't, therapy is different from inpatient treatment, and could be easier because you have more control over who you see, what you do, and when you go.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now; especially with that person you respect. Good for you for going even though it makes you feel anxious! Glad you're here.