Bear with me as this may be lengthy. To preface, I am in therapy (have been for 3 years), but still can't really bring about this topic up. I also know no one can tell me who I am, only I can. I also know that labeling oneself isn't necessary, but I NEED to know in order to move forward with my life.

I am going to be 30 in a few months, and I think hitting that "milestone" is really pushing at me, making me really take stock of my life. I am going to be out of my 20s, where it is normal to be floating about in life, unsure of what you want. I am aware that all this pressure is pressure I put on myself--my family is actually pretty good and leaves me alone about dating someone/having a family. Probably because I evade any questions

So my (somewhat quick) backstory: I had boyfriends, crushes. I never questioned my sexuality, and had one serious boyfriend. We never had sex, and I never really wanted to, but I was happy with him, and very sad when we broke up. College for the first three years will relatively uneventful. I dated briefly, but broke it off with this one guy because he was too intense by always saying "Oh man, I want you" when we were making out. Way to ruin it for me, buddy!

My senior year was tumultous. I was a WRECK with impending graduation. I had zero earthly idea what I was going to do when I graduated and was very unprepared for it. I spent a lot of that year crying when I got drunk. I also met a freshman who had joined the rugby team that year. We clicked instantly and spent most of our free time together--either with the team and team parties, or at the library studying...etc. I thought nothing of it. She was my rock, there supporting me through my ups and downs.

When coming home from bars, we would sometimes hold hands...and still never thought anything of it. I was feeling safe and comforted. She would stay over in my bed when we had parties, because it was much easier to crash there then walk back to her dorm. I snuggled in there too, but we just passed out.

A few months later, she was acting bizarre and wasn't telling me something, but I couldn't get it out of her. Then one night, she came into my room (we had been drinking) and said that she was ready to tell me what was wrong. I was like "Ok, what is it?" and she kissed me. I do know that as she was kissing me I was thinking "uhhhh...what do I do?" so I tried to pretend it was my ex-bf. Once the kiss was over, she was waiting for me to say something. I couldn't. I didn't. So she ran downstairs, and I threw myself in my bed, sobbing. I had no idea what to think or do. I wanted to jump out my window and never come back.

So, the next day we talked and I told her I never thought of her as more than friends, but not to worry she didn't disgust me or anything. We both had plenty of gay friends. So we were rocky for awhile, but eventually grew close again--though she stopped staying over. The summer after I graduated, I completely fell apart. Like crying every day/in work bathroom stalls breakdown. The only bright part of my day was going home and knowing I could talk to her over Instant Messenger (old school!).

Somewhere in there I started to wonder. Did she mean more to me than just a friend? How do I know that? Its not like I had this burning desire to kiss her or anything else. I didn't even let my brain go there. But I did bring it up to her and said I was confused and didnt know what to think. And I basicaly left it at that, telling her that this was the last thing I could deal with in the middle of my summer of hell. I now believe that is where our friendship fell apart. I'm an idiot! By fall came, she was barely speaking to me and I had no idea why. I was absolutely crushed, and spent a long time not understanding what happened.

Now, 7 years later...I still am confused. I dated a friend of mine after college. He's really awesome. Good-looking, really nice, supportive and funny. We had hooked up in the past--always when I was drunk. No sex, but making out/groping (for the lack of a better word)...but I could never get myself to do anything more than kiss and let my hands roam over his body. I never wanted to give him oral sex, nor did I want any. This never was an explicit conversation, because we only hooked up if I was drunk. If I was sober, I'd completely freeze and feel so uncomfortable that I would find a way to get away from it.

Since then, I have dated no one, and have made out with a couple guys at bars...and even that was a few years ago.

What this extremely long story is getting to--is how do you know? I have talked to all my gay friends about this a million times. It has ranged from some people pretty much always knowing since they were little, to friends meeting someone of their same sex (in college) and realizing they liked them more than friends and then dated. It seems no one I've ever spoke with has been in a situation like mine.

Questions I have been asked or have asked myself...and this is the best I can answer them. Seriously if anyone has ANY words of advice/wisdom/questions...please. Anything to help unravel this for me. I am willing to be an open book about this because it is so much easier online than with my T

1. Is this just a maternal need I am trying to fill in?
I wish I could answer this. I have mom issues--didn't get what I needed emotionally from her, yada yada yada. So what I was feeling for my friend because I was so vulnerable (emotionally) and she was there to take care of me? How can you discern between wanting to be cared for maternally and wanting to be cared for in a romantic sense?

2. When I am watching tv/out in the public, who do I find myself checking out?
This is always what gets me. I don't walk around and notice other women. I do find guys to be attractive, I just have little desire to do much more than make out with them. I think women can be pretty and notice that, but is that just like an appreciation like guys who can admit other guys are good-looking?

3. When I have formed attachments to males versus females, who would I rather be around more?
I was telling my friends that there is a certain type of woman who I do instantly find myself connected with and want to be their friend. They are younger (30s), have very friendly and open faces...and generally long brown hair! What I don't know if this is that maternal need thing going on? They told me that they always wanted to be around other women constantly, and not men. When I meet men I find attractive, do I always want to be around them?
That stumped me! In HS I did. I had many crushes and was always trying to get a glimpse of them. Now? I am not so sure. I don't think so.

Ok. I'm going to end this extremely long novella now. If anyone has actually read all of this and wants to give me some feedback, I will love you forever!