Quote:
Originally Posted by madisgram
hi distressed  ...usually i pm you but saw your thread. one of the benefits of therapy is i learned to recognize unhealthy relationships be it a bf, gf, or family. it took me practice to gain progress on this. it's not easy at first. when we don't know the info we may make choices that are not in our best interests, i.e. your bf. sometimes i get the comment from someone that thinks i'm being too hard-as...ed about something but it just rolls off my back now. i know what behaviors i am willing to accept friom others and what is not acceptable to me. that way i can make wiser choices to protect myself from unhealthy ppl. and what their opinion is doesn't matter as long as i am true to myself.
your worrying about what someone says to u even if u know it's not true...usually if it's someone we have no vested interest in that says an absurdity we respond...why that's ridiculous!...but when it's someone we value it is more difficult. put a rubber band on your wrist..every time you start to worry about something said that causes you to worry over it, snap the rubber band on your wrist. this will stop the invalid thought.
even tho culturally you feel conflicting thoughts on things if you gain a strong sense of self you will be happier. they can follow tradition but you don't have to. you are an adult and can make your own choices rather than allowing others to repress you to dictate to you. but you have to "pick up the baton and run with it".
in america in the 70's and 80's there were some old school thoughts about women. this included my father. i wanted to be a doctor and he said "be a nurse or teacher".  i knew i had to just be me. so i "burned my bra" before gloria steinim (SP?) did so to speak. there was something wrong with the logic of a woman being subserviant in society and i knew it.
i urge you to do the same with your ethinticity. this is a global world and even if they don't get over "it", you can!!! 
ooops sorry for such a long post. i'm on the soap box and u'r thread got me worked up.  |
Thanks Jan once again!!
I was always told i was too aggressive (when i was in reality just being way too abused and wasn't liking it... every single behavior of mine had to be commented on to the T...) so I'm still working on making myself stronger.
A thing i worry about is that people see me as weak and will walk all over me.
Another thing that stops me from standing up for myself is that when this happens in a group, lets say theatre group, everyone says alot of things to everyone, correcting them constantly... and you're not allowed to do this and that, dont drink water, etc etc.. and I feel as this has happened in the past, whenever I've stood up for myself, usually its been passive aggressiveness when I'll talk to everyone around me about what person X did and somehow its always come back and bit my in the butt!
I feel like if i stand up for myself, others will get together and hate me and get against me... this happened when I worked as a bartender as well... a girl started a fight with me, and i counterattacked (verbally only), she had really instigated me and said really mean things to me and the next day, everyone hated me, it was like me against all her little friends (this happened after my first day ofcourse) but i think that's probaly also coz i was good friends with the owner and din't have to work my way up.
But, in conclusion, I feel like everyone will get against me if i stand up for myself. I'm not sure if i was in an unhealthy environment in the past (when i bartended) or if i came off not assertively... not sure.. still trying to figure it out...
Any input on how I can work my way around this, be assertive and not come off being rude (maybe i wasnt rude, maybe it was them, but i'm not sure)