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I assumed that your mother required minimal care. Often times that type of help is the most overlooked and unappreciated by siblings. If she required more care your grievances would be very insignificant.
I do not swear AT my mother. Sometimes I will get very disgusted, leave, and call my brother and swear ABOUT my mother to him. When it gets to a boiling point I call her "Donna" which is her mother's name. That is very insulting, she'd rather I'd swear at her I'm sure. If I am to be honest I might swear at her if I actually lived with her. I love her, but I couldn't live with her. I HAVE to have a place to escape to.
She was very independent while I was growing up but somehow when my father died she suddenly forgot how to do the simpliest of things, things she used to do without thought. Suddenly she cannot code her glucose meter or recently put up her own frikkin Christmas tree. As you can see, the things that grate on me are not the things she cannot do but things she just doesn't like to do so I have to do them! Guess what? Calling Direct TV to change her package doesn't seem like a big deal, but I don't like talking to them either! If I do not, she will have a pity party and drive me crazy until I do it anyway. I have become the mother figure in this relationship and I do not enjoy the role.
Enough about me, my point is that even though your sister is doing this between gritted teeth she IS doing it. And it is very insulting and offensive for a guest to come in and pass judgements. You are a GUEST, a very loved and welcomed guest but a guest all the same. This is HER home. It's very easy to say how you'd do it if the need was there, but the fact is there is a need and it is your sister filling it. It is very probable that she resents it. She's there to do the grunt work, but when you come to visit mom does fun things with you.
The role of caretaker is stressful and it is a burden, even when done with love. And in my opinion the little everyday things are the one that are the most irritating and stressful. When I took care of my grandmother when she had stage 4 cancer the little things roll off your back because they are small comparatively. If you're scrubbing the floor and she's sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee and says "you missed a spot" when she's capable of doing it herself you get a little annoyed. The same comment uttered from a hospice bed is met with a lot more compassion and understanding.
Life is full of choices. You can only control your own. When your sister met you with hostility over where your car was parked you had a choice. You could have either understood that may have set her over the edge for the day and ignored the outburst. You chose to meet it with equal hostility. I am suggesting that you re-evaluate this relationship. You are no longer have the same roles.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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