Your experiences with your college girlfriend reminded me of a story we read in french, that we later analyzed based on Freudian psychology.

The story is of a "good girl" who goes to church every day. A man with a silver tongue takes an interest in her. One day he sits behind her in church and whispers things into her ears that are sensual and sexual. The woman is deeply shocked by this, and shocked even more by her own impure reactions to such words. She ends up committing suicide.

Our objective now was to find out why, and we were giving the basics of Freudian psychology to go on for this assignment.

What I saw in it was an unsolvable conflict between two aspects of her persronality. The super ego, which is all about social norms, rules to follow, the ideals, goals, the residence of the better angels. She had a very developed one, and it being 1500 or so she was never before confronted with the counter part of the super ego.

The Id. The part where our basic drives reside. Our animal heritage. Lust and passion, instincts and hungers.

The conflict inside her, having impure thoughts and impure desires, while believing that such things were wrong, it drove her to suicide. That was my analysis of the text, in any case.

My attraction towards more than one gender is something I haven't allowed myself to follow up on for most of my life and I come across issues, still, sometimes. I'm not in a place yet where I feel 100 percent comfortable about living it. There is some kind of fear connected to it that I still haven't fully figured out. The first time he told me he loved me I basically ran for it. Told him this wasn't working out, withdrew, and nearly broke the whole thing off. Lets just be friends was something I actually said. I gave him this Spiel about how friendship is really awesome, and that is a kind of love, and that's enough, right? Right?

I let myself be led by fear. With me it wasn't so much the fear of what other people might say, ... but I can see how that would keep people in the closet. So far inside the closet that they themselves don't realize their desires. I think, with me, it was more a fear of being vulnerable in a way that I wasn't with women. It's complicated, and as I said, I haven't fully realized the root of this fear yet.

If you want to know what your orientation is, well... there are some things I would ask myself if I were you.

What fantasies make me crave being first and foremost among those questions.
Do you have desires? Dreams? Fantasies? Do they involve a certain gender, or certain acts, or settings.

Are they perhaps of a nature you consider to not be socially acceptable?