
Nov 26, 2010, 09:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myers
That's a good question. I've actually been mulling it over for years, to no avail. I could point some fingers and say my abusive father, sordid past, opportunity for success in criminal endeavors early in my life, society's contempt for me, the piece of **** who left me a cripple, or the untimely and violent passing of my first wife played a role in this anger. However, I never loved my father, nor anyone else for that matter. I can't have a connection with anyone. Who's to say I wouldn't have turned out the way I did had he been a decent man? I engaged in petty criminal endeavors long before I had the opportunity to make a living out of it, and I engaged in this behavior of my own volition. So, did I become a criminal because I was exposed to crime and found opportunity in it, or did I seek out and indulge in crime because it suited my own nature? For everything mentioned in that list, did that really beget the anger, or did it merely give it purpose and direction?
As far as I can tell, this anger is a part of my very own nature. It's too ingrained in my psyche, and it's been with me for too long to be a result of some external factor. If I'm not fighting against or for something, I just feel lost, without purpose. It's as if I only exist to feed that predatory hunger inside me.
However, if the prosecutor asks, I'm not above laying the blame on the poor saps in the aforementioned list of pains in my ***.
Vigorous exercise does help relieve it, momentarily. However, if I see an opportunity to harm or obtain whatever it is I'm focused on at the given moment, I find it very difficult to redirect that anger toward anything else. That's one of the aspects of psychopathy that is often attributed to the psychopath's sheer determination and lack of inhibitions. Psychopaths, myself included, become so hyper-focused on our objective, that we fail to see outlying factors. The notion of redirecting the anger or resisting the urge usually doesn't even register. And, if it does, it falls on deaf ears.
I do play the piano and draw or paint. But, like mentioned previously, it doesn't have much effect when I become fixated on the objective. It does help, however, if I am angry or aggressive and have no way of relieving it.
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You're very brave to share this information. I'm not sure most ppl with ASP Disorder would be as forthcoming or as insightful.
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