wonders.....if you found another purpose .. one that did not involve fighting the anger.....would you stil feel lost? - phoenix7

Yes. Various experts who study psychopaths affectionately describe us as "rebels without cause". It's as if aggression and fighting (not necessarily physical fighting) were hard-wired into my brain. In all honesty, if I'm not fighting for or against something, I'm looking for something to fight for or against. Otherwise I'm just bored, and all that pent up aggression is taken out on those closest to me, which is just a tragedy all its own. I see life as one big game of chess, and my primary goal is winning at any cost. I wish some powerful oppressor would come along just so I'd have an excuse to be completely ruthless and manipulative and still be seen as an anti-hero of sorts.

Oddly enough, Oskar Schindler was a cunning manipulator, callous, and charming, not unlike a psychopath. Yet, he saved hundreds of Jews from the Third Reich for much the same reason I do some of the things I do; he was bored.

is it determination and lack of inhibition ? or lack of control?

The former, in the vast majority of cases. To kill or not to kill, I have much control over, as is the case with many things. Those little outbursts, while they are intense and while I'm not entirely in control of myself during them, are rare occasions.

Manipulation is another matter. A lot of major and planned manipulation I can control. Gaslighting, for instance. But if some poor sap is subject to my cute little antics for an extended period of time, they'll notice their psychological health start to slowly deteriorate. Some times I realize it. Most of the time I don't, and I don't intend for it to happen. I just can't pretend to be a decent human being all the time, and that aggression and manipulation comes out to play after awhile. This is especially true with respect to perceived threats and the like. While most people react to minor threats to their ego by turning the other cheek, maybe speaking up, or with shame... I react with rage or attack, hence the outbursts. It's a defense mechanism...

As for lying... My whole personality is based on lies, and that isn't going to change any time soon. Again, not intentionally. Most of my verbal and non-verbal communication is nothing more than a clever mimic of human interaction instead of being based on true affect. Now, most people will attest that they laugh at jokes that aren't funny. This is the same basic concept, only I do it much more often. With respect to my ability to control this, I'd have to say that I can control how I do it, but I can't control that I do it, if that makes any sense. Most of my facial reactions and the like are automatic and often change to better fit the situation, but I can control them to an extent. But I can't seem to just take this "mask" off at will. There has to be certain circumstances. I have to "feel" safe. If I'm in the presence of another psychopathic friend, for example, I wouldn't care much for societal norms in conversation. The second someone reacts to me with disgust, hatred, fear, or other such negative emotion, that mask slips itself back on automatically and I'm back to acting my role.

My anger - (and not comparing at all ) used to be explosive and unpredictable - it has taken me a long time to be able to recognise and redirect when the warnign signs occur - and a longer time to even be able to see that there were indeed warning signs that i could not at the time see.

wondering again, (yes i wonder a lot lol ) if some form of relaxation technique - would help... if practised daily would that help to slow the anger enough for you to redirect it safely - after all there are only so many things you can break - and it gets expensive.

I've tried meditating. I might try it again. I didn't stick with it long enough to see if it worked properly. But, again, these outbursts are quite rare, so it's hard to see what does work since so much time elapses between each incident. Not to mention I have like zero insight, and my emotions are so fleeting I can barely remember how I "felt" five minutes ago, let alone a month ago.

It is very explosive, and I do know what causes it. The problem is, I become so hyper-focused on the perceived threat that I find it very difficult to redirect my rage toward anything else, as I mentioned before. This applies also to the aggression and those little obsessions I get from time to time. At that particular point in time, everything else takes a back seat, including the things I learned in anger management, which is probably why anger management never did me much good...

I'm trying, though. I haven't had many outbursts lately.

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There isn't.

I am.

I don't think you're quite like Bundy. I'm not trying to undermine your anger. It can cause problems for you in the future, if it hasn't already, and I encourage you to get some help for them, if you're not already. However, if I'm reading this correctly, you describe your anger as very intense; you have trouble controlling it and react immediately and violently. Bundy was dangerous because he could control that rage to a degree. He hid his rage very well and reacted toward women with cool charm, even to the point of playing on women's sympathies in order to get them to drop their guard. In Bundy's own words, his actions were a "means to an end-- that is, of accomplishing an ultimate possession of the victim, so to speak" (Michaud and Aynesworth, 2000). Again, that's not to say uncontrolled rage isn't dangerous...

Also, the mere fact that you have empathy and you realize your rage is a problem indicates that you can get help should you seek it.

Thank you. Most are forthcoming, if you know how to talk to them.