After my sessions a week or so ago regarding the serious trigger, something big has changed. I had to email T about how I felt yesterday, feeling as if I had rendered her redundant and how much I do adore her, and that I know Its not my job to make her feel better etc etc, and T replied saying it was an important email, not so much that I need to make her feel better, but that I want to fix things between us which is what she had been talking about before, creation being the opposite of destruction and the email showed I was able to tolerate holding both sides at the same time, she said it was a very powerful email.

I can't explain how I feel inside since those rabid sessions of a week or so ago, memory's of destruction and hatred within my adoptive mothers relationship with me woke up, I was or am able to see them, and realize that growing up as I couldn't get love from her, I accepted hatred, I understood hatred as a feeling, that hatred was superior to indifference, on those days indifference felt like psychic death. I saw how destroyed our relationship got and how there never was any "real" creation, fixing it, not like whats just gone on between T and myself, its like I've been trying to create all these yrs, but coming up against people just like my adoptive mother and destruction just being the main factor.

I feel unburdened now, I feel as if my need to keep repeating the destructive aspect of any relationship has gone, I am very aware of what a successful rehabilitation of a relationship with someone feels like now, I have mastered it, I have a new experience, it feels wonderful. It feels as if I finally acted out a very painful experience and it has been healed.

This has been a very major part of who I become, because of the constant destructiveness of my first relationships, its like I became a warrior with no real battle, only the ones left in my head, I saw life like a battle that needed to be survived, but now thats all changed, I see positiveness and creativeness and less evil in the world.

Its good!