I haven't had hope for years, my T doesn't give me hope. I haven't noticed if she has tried, I've become so numb to all the talk about hope. I can't see it, it's not there.

( for the rough writing, I haven't slept for a while)

No heroes, no-one to save me, utter loneliness... only ourselves.. But I'm not enough for me. I don't think finding courage inside myself would make me feel any better. I would mock the part of me trying to be a hero. There's always more bad things than good things. I didn't ask to be born, so why am I punished? Why am I here when other people ...good, happy people with an actual desire to be here... get taken away? Why am I left to linger here, when I don't want to?

The problem is... that I'm just hanging here. I can't really "not be here" without doing something about it. I exist, that's pretty much all. I don't even care anymore. Haven't for a long time. It's not some greater reason of life I'm looking for (this time), I'd just want to know why am I afraid to let go.. or why am I stuck in this "nothingness". Those are maybe more retorical questions, I think I know "why", I just don't understand it.. Well anyway, I don't think I have to find a way trough this, when I would so much rather give up. Unfortunately giving up is tough too. Even more so..

I'm probably not making any sense...

And just now my friend told me her friend's boyfriend was shot in his bedroom. The REAL world is crazy....