I have many medical professionals, friends of my mother, around me who think that they know what I am going through and try to diagnosis me all the time. For example, I workout so much that I eat certain things and I limit what I eat, and many people have brought up the phrase "eating disorder." They are dead wrong to think that I could have an eating disorder...I eat plenty of healthy foods. (Good to get that off my chest.) But although this company of people sometimes makes me mad, I am blessed to have people near by who care about my well being. But am I allowed to have some sense of control and say "Yes, I want to continue to push myself even if that means getting hurt!"
I push myself to new limits A LOT, and I push myself so much that I feel pain. But is it OK for me to have control over something in my life that for the past 12 to 13 years I have not been in control of....my priorities were angled in a different direction...towards education. Not that education is bad (I love to learn), I just feel improvements to my physical self lagged behind because I was desperately trying to prove to my parents and family that I could graduate with my masters after a massive head injury as a result from my accident.....I was hit-by-car when I was 11. And I did graduate with my masters.
But after I finished with school, I engulfed myself in improving physically where I have seen SO many positive things. I finally feel RIGHT in so many ways, even if the pain I feel is so excruciating to the point that I feel something is wrong. But I have not gotten to this point in my life by saying "Uncle" when I felt pain. I learned to push through it, and now when I feel most pain I laugh or smile. It is almost therapeutic. Maybe that I am beating the car all over again!
But although I want this control, I know that by pushing myself physically my legs (or one more than the other) are getting hurt. And from previous injuries, my legs/body can't afford to get hurt in a major way as before. I write this, and I cry, because this f**king SUCKS! I do everything I can to prevent this from happening...physical therapy and much more. But everyone says the same thing, "Your body can't handle all of this abuse, and if you want to live to 35 without major issues...try something else." I know this is so simple to follow, but maybe when I hear people say this I think that they are trying to stop me from reaching my goal...maybe this is the kid in me talking.
But I wanted to post this here since I have not brought this up in therapy (because I know how wrong this sounds): why would the statement above be such a bad thing if I didn't make it to 35? I can't imagine not being able to do what I want to do, but if by the time I am 35, and my legs/hips can't support the activity level I am at today, would ending my life be such a bad thing? I was an athlete and still am an athlete, so if someone told me that I couldn't be an athlete because my body decided to give out....I would wonder through life aimlessly...not really being the one to help myself but having others help me, this is what happened right after my accident, and I NEVER want to feel this way again!

Cherrios!