Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin
i dont think youre wrong at all for wanting your therapist to believe in you. but i do notice, reading this last posting, that you want therapy to be a place where you are allowed to be imperfect and you arent judged, but you are asking your therapist to pass judgment. its as though you cant feel comfortable in a place where you are safe to just unapologetically be who you are....is that the case?
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah
I remember you telling us a few months ago how you didn't feel that she sided with you when you were having issues at school. Did this come up again in session or are you just remembering this?
Why would she be mad at you?
I remember people not believing in me.
|
I think it came up again because I am having to register for the class I failed. All my anger about how I was treated with the class and the review are coming back up. I asked her if she thought I could succeed doing my dream and she asked something along the lines of, do you think I have your best interests in mind? I feel like everything changed when I showed her the review. That she is taking their word as gospel and now I'm the one who is 'crazy' for being upset with how they dealt with it. Even though when I went to talk to them 1 on 1 about it, no one would take any responsibility for anything mentioned in the review except my anxiety. I asked for examples of the other stuff, and no one could provide any.
She seems to think that my frustration with the demeaning way that clients are sometimes talked about is unreasonable. That the professors are right and I am wrong. I specifically asked her when I started seeing her if she was open to discussing the stigma around mental health within the field. But now that we are getting to it, apparently she is not really open to it.
I felt her opinion of me change when she read the review, but I tried to ignore it. I tried to tell myself that I was reacting to something that wasn't really there. That I was imagining her change in opinion. But now that the issue has come up again, I am seeing it again. And this time I can't ignore it. I asked her if she believed in me, and she couldn't give me an answer. She hesitated a moment too long for her response to have been natural. The way she turned it back into a question just made that silence seem like it could be nothing other than 'no'.
I don't want to be judged, but I do want her honest opinion. I feel like they are two different things. Judgment implies for me a values based decision. Where as an opinion is based in fact. Yes it would hurt if she didn't think I could do it. But if she gave me a yes or no answer, then I would be able to ask her why. With her just turning it around on me, I can't find out why she thinks the way she does. Not knowing one way or the other rips at the threads of trust that have grown.
She says that she 'wants what is best for me' but I don't know how to interpret that. What a vague statement.
I still don't really believe that she isn't going to be mad at me for being angry with her. She says she wont. But I continue to wait for the time when she is. For the time when she is unable to hide her being mad at me.