thank you, Jexa. I don't think anybody else really understands how horrible this was for me, except my T. Obviously nobody would enjoy it, but yeah. It feels good to know somebody else has some idea of how bad this was. I cried when I talked to T about it, she knew exactly what was triggering about it for me and why, without me having to tell her. That's part of the value of having someone in your life who knows your story and can fathom the intensity of your experiences in the context of your life.

eta: just in the interest of background, when I went to my own doc earlier in the week I was having a similar reaction and so she decided not to the pelvic and just treated me for a suspected UTI. Which was a bad choice, looking back, obviously. In the end I had to have the exam anyway only I had to get sicker in the meantime, and then have it in the ER with a male doctor I have never met, and it echoed my real life experiences too closely for comfort. So in some ways I feel like it's my fault, that I should have let my doc do it back on Tues and avoided this whole thing.

When I talked to T last night she told me to remember that nothing happened to me yesterday that wasn't supposed to happen. I feel violated, and that's understandable, but in reality nothing happened yesterday that was wrong or bad. It was done by professionals and I needed it done in order to be treated for what's really going on. I keep reminding myself of that and holding onto that, and just focusing on taking care of myself and not thinking too much about anything.