I apologize for the length. Feel free to not read... This is the Phone Conversation with T: What I plan to say: So, I don't forget anything. But, I'm kinda tempted to send this to her a couple of hours before, so she can read it and then we can just spend time discussing what she thinks of it, since its a lot... what do you think? but, I have a feeling she hates my emailing so that probably won't end up happening.

..What I plan to say on the phone this week...

1. When I was crying in the car and upset on the way to therapy and you laughed over the phone it upset me. It upset me because I was upset in the car for many reasons irrelevant to therapy. In actuality, I had so much anger in that office and in the car that wasn't really directed at any particular person because, my good friend that was a girl kissed me as a joke for her boyfriend, without asking me, & I did not know how to word all the confusion & anger it caused me because I got butterflies in my stomach. So, my reaction when I arrived late to therapy--was--I wanted to talk about it but, I knew I wouldn't be able to get it out in time... because I only had thirty minutes. I couldn't really verbalize any of the underlying feelings of my anger though. Not to say this excuses my behavior, because it definitley doesn't... but, I bring it up because this is one out of the many reasons I was upset and crying on the way, and you seemed to be either not taking me seriously or laughing at me.

2. Although I carry too much self-pity and exaggerate some times in therapy...I feel like I have not been able to express to you, why it is hard for me to break this habit in therapy...because, it is very, very difficult...even when I know I am doing it, its difficult. I don't know if you remember telling me once that when children don't get the attention they need, they feel the need to act out;misbehave;because attention is attention, regardless of why it is given. Attention is probably the wrong wording for my particular situation but, I just feel the need to be this way because when I used to be calmer, trying to verbalize things, no one would hear me. If I express things any other way then the way I do, I won't be heard. Its deeper then just validation for me, its a fear of not being heard that I carry with me in that office. And I don't do it all the time but, many times I exaggerate as much as I do in that room because that room is just a room that scares me sometimes more then normal, because I am sharing the more intimate details of my life...so my fear of not being heard is always greater there, then anywhere else. but, I noticed you bring up something recently and its not a big deal but, I just wanted to let you know that in that room, I focus on MY problems because that is what that room is for. But, this doesn't mean that I do not understand that other people face the same problems and pains as I do. And I don't know if you remember that poem I wrote a while back and recited for you about abuse but, it was for younger girls who had been abused...50% of what I write is usually dedicated to the issues every day people face. I spent a lot of my life trying to help people and found it difficult to RECEIVE...but, I do recognize that other people hurt, cry, have pain...its funny, in actuality, my life will probably be dedicated to voicing that pain..and reaching those people...

3. And I have kind of been noticing that you hold back on saying stuff to me and I'm sure part of the reason you do that is because it is your job to do that...just for example, when I mentioned my major would possibly be psychology, I knew you disagreed, and honestly, I was okay that you did, because I expected that you would...but, you did not want to show me that you disagreed and I am just using that as an example of the fear that experience and many more just like it, put in me, when I think of therapy and trust...because, I am afraid there is A LOT MORE that you hold back on and the majority is negative??? Now, that could be completley untrue but, that is why I have to bring it up...to see where I am right and where I am wrong because I do not want to jump to assumptions. All I know is, because you hold back, which is fine but, because you do...I fear that you are holding back more negative then positive and have a completly different view of me...in this, It was important that I told you that fear of trusting you and stuff...because I feel like there is no important time then now that I am supposed to be able to trust you, because I was making a decision to share one of the most difficult things to talk about, sexuality.

4. I was wondering if you are still upset over the email I sent a long time ago...??? because, I kinda think about that sometimes and feel like I truly offended you, even though that was not my intention. My intention was to email, so you wouldn't be upset with me but, apparently I crossed boundaries I shouldn't have and I don't know if your still resentful about it, because all I can do is take responsibility for the mistake I made. All I can say is sorry, I don't know??
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but, I do not think the best parts of me were shown in therapy but, therapy taught me that I do have MANY parts to who I am. And It also taught me that I have to learn how to forgive myself for all of the dark, nasty, negative parts of me that showed up while in therapy...partly, because without showing those parts I would have never developed a broader perspective of who I am as a person and secondly, we kind of interact with people a lot of the time, by the way we view ourselves, and if I am ever going to forgive others and be happy, I must first learn how to love and forgive myself.