I do not understand my feelings. One minute I can be laughing at the tv and the next balling my eyes out. I can be lonely yet if I talk to anyone on the phone I can be angry at a seconds notice for no reason. I am always thinking about ending my llife because Im tired and scared and dont think I can cope much longer yet I know this is stupid thinking and will not act on it yet I keep thinking about it.
I do not understand my thought process at all
I am angry at myself I hate myself I want to change and know how and what to do but lack the motivation and energy to bother, I say I am lazy but then when I do try to do anything I get so breathless and chest pains due to my heart problem that it is just easier to sit in the stupid chair and think about being happy and useful and energetic than actually do it. I am worried and very scared about my health and no one seems to understand, they say to help myself but dont realize I am so scared of having a heart attack or stroke or something by trying. I do realize that most of this is MY fault because I show everyone my fake side so they are not really aware of how I truly feel inside, I cannot show weakness or I feel I will be ridiculed. What can I do to help myself change, I am so very unhappy.