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My T takes a somewhat different approach to this because there are actually two issues here. One issue is the ability to self-soothe, which is a difficult task to learn in adulthood, especially since many of us have learned to self-soothe in harmful ways. My T has drawn a pretty firm line between helping me learn to do that for myself, and doing it for me. At first he responded to my requests for reassurance through email or phone calls (we don't use touch in our relationship) but for me that led to more rather than fewer requests for reassurance. Basically he ended up doing it for me and that wasn't helping me learn to do it myself, so I had to learn by experiencing the pain -- sitting with the feelings -- while also trying to remember that he cared enough about me to ride it out with me even though it was horrible for both of us when I raged at him for not caring and for abandoning me when I needed him. This, by the way, went on periodically for a few years until I gradually matured enough to realize he had taught me a very valuable skill and it would have been much easier for him to just continue to do it for me.
The other issue is getting our needs met through relationships. My T doesn't expect me to or even want me to meet those needs in solitude. We are social creatures and we need human interaction and love throughout our lifespan, so his approach is to encourage me to find ways to get those needs for love and nurturing met through other relationships rather than telling me I need to do that for myself. He is hopeful that I will get to a point where I truly like myself but he also knows that won't meet my needs for love and nurturing from other people. But he doesn't believe it's his role to meet those needs himself in our relationship, partly because whatever he gives becomes something he has to take away again when it's time to end treatment, and that makes it much more difficult for the patient to leave. It also tends to discourage us from developing close relationships with other people since it feels so good to have those needs met by our T's.
It took a very long time, and lots of rage and meltdowns, before I could accept this but now I truly feel that he did what was best for me by not meeting those needs himself. I learned to feel very close to him in other ways and I know he cares deeply about me and I can feel his caring through the bond we have.
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