Hello there

Your story made me feel so sad for you. People who have been abused in their lives often go on to suffer terribly with all sorts of problems. I know this as someone who has suffered significant abuse. Ican think of a couple of things that might be helpful. First I would go see your doc as it sounds like you are suffeing from a depressive illness. Some antidepressants may be helpful, though they are not the whole answer. Then I would suggest getting some therapy to sort out all those things going round in your head. I suggested antidepressants first as you need to be in a good place first before embarking on the painful route of therapy. Just one more thing...don't be so hard on yourself!

Take care.