rainbow, I wanted to reply, but it's all so triggery, all so much my stuff, that I'm not sure where to start now... Firstly, hugs. I understand how harsh it can feel to be reminded that what you're getting from your T won't last forever and to feel that you won't be ready when it is taken away.

I think others are talking about whether it's helpful or right for Ts to be 'giving it to us' in the first place. From what I know, there seem to be two schools of thought- the first says that the client must learn to tolerate the frustration that their T cannot meet their needs, and the second says that the T does what they can (within limits) to meet the client's needs, with the goal of the client learning to do this for themselves.

I firmly believe that what I needed (and am finally getting) is the latter experience- my whole life I have 'tolerated the frustration' of not getting what I needed. I know how to do that, thank you! But that wasn't helping me to give myself what I needed; I struggled terribly with self-soothing because I didn't know what it felt like to be soothed- I literally didn't know what I was aiming for.

I got glimpses of it in other relationships (including therapeutic relationships), but all those relationships ended prematurely before I transitioned to soothing myself (often because the people panicked when my needs appeared to escalate and escalate on being met), and each time my needs were even higher in the next relationship. After a couple of cycles of this, I experienced terrible shame about my neediness, and knew for certain that my needs were so high they could never be met, that whatever I got I would want more and more forever, and that it was far too dangerous and damaging to even let anyone attempt to meet them.

My current T broke the pattern. She has consistently and lovingly given me what I need. When I wanted more, she gave me more. She never panicked- she held firm to her belief that I would calm down once I had 'enough'. And over time, something I couldn't even imagine has happened- I know that one day I'll be able to give it to myself, be able to be my own therapist. This happens in baby steps- a new willingness to try to self-soothe; spontaneously imagining what she would say or do for me, and trying to do it for myself; being able to draw on the feeling of being loved and contained even when she's not here...

I hope this doesn't come across as "look what I can do"- this is the last thing I intend. For one thing, I've only had the most fleeting of experiences of success with it, and still have a massive amount of soothing input from my T. The main difference now is that I believe it can and will happen. I'm describing it because I wanted to say, if it can happen to me, it really can happen to anyone.

Keep going and trying to trust that things may well work out the way your T describes.