WePow, I'm really sorry you're feeling bad: You're being too hard on yourself for panicking about how to self-soothe. It sounds like you've started doing more constructive efforts, though--emailing your T, which is not so bad: T's get this about us. It's hard not to feel like you've abused them or been disrespectful, but they really do accept us, or they wouldn't work with us. Please don't worry. If are worrying, you might try following it with "Disregard the previous post!" in the subject line. That gives you the option of adding text, something like, "I think I'll have a lot to talk about when I get there!" The beauty of that? It's that they may have already read it, but won't feel the pressure to respond to complex emails (feelings, emotions, references they don't understand all jumbled up together), or you can follow up your 2nd email close to your appointment with the request that NOW might be a good time to read that first email.

But, I hope the email anxiety is fading? How long have you worked with your t and does he already know what sorts of soothing techniques you use? In any case, I hope he won't judge. Do you really think he will?

What strikes me as important is the need for acceptance and love, the anxiety about whether it's there, and the sheer exhaustion of the holidays. Holidays are so tough on us--maybe wonderful, but tough: Disrupted schedules, pressure to seem "normal" to people we hardly know (or by whom we feel misunderstood), the permission the culture gives to excess at this time of year, the expectation that we will re-new bonds with family--no matter how complex or what a bad idea that might actually be...........They're exhausting--especially if you're hosting others! I"m pretty impressed that you did that! I'm sure my Thanksgiving only went well because there were absolutely no requirements of me, and we spent most of the time playing D and D and pinochle!!! If I'd been hosting anything, I know my strength would have failed as soon as they were out the door. YOU DID GOOD!