Thank you, bpd2. I am still holding it together but confused as to why I can be this under things after being able to come so far. Suppose I just want to be fixed! LOL.
I ended up drinking even more but am not feeling the effects AT ALL which is now really making me MAD. I just want to not feel THIS. It is like something inside that I can't even put my finger on! I can't name it. I just feel it and want IT to be gone!!!!!!!! UGGGGG!!! I tried to do my artwork therapy and that didn't help. I cleaned my house. That didn't help. I went to see a friend who is not doing well - trying to help her out - but that didn't help! I did my drumming and prayers and everything else I could think of doing but nothing is working today. It is insane how I can't shake whatever this stupid emotion is that is now just really really making me angry.

Rainbow, thank you too. I am trying very hard right now to distract myself. I just... ugggg... I don't want to cry anymore. I cried too much and am sick of that too.