What I am getting out of this thread and the many thoughtful responses is that there is more than one way to skin a cat. Some methods work well for some people and different ones for others. It seems two general types have been described, one that Rainbow experienced with her last T (not meeting her needs in therapy deliberately or by emails/call and encouraging her to develop her own resources, get the needs met by others, etc.), and one that she has now with her current T (meeting her needs in therapy with reassurance, touch, attunement, allowing lots of outside communication, and working towards the day these supports will no longer be necessary).

I agree there is no wrong and right, just different approaches that work for different people. I wonder if a therapist tends to predominantly use one method or the other? Or does the therapist get to know the client and then choose the approach that is the best fit? I think it is an important skill to know what methods to use with each unique client. Reading the responses makes me wonder where my T fits into these two disparate approaches. I think he is somewhere in between. Probably most Ts are in between. My T is warm and caring and giving in session (we are very, very close, share intensely, and we do hug sometimes), but he has a firm boundary on his out-of-session time, and is not available to me by emails and phone calls except for scheduling matters. He expects me to be able to manage on my own between sessions, and somehow, I do. I think if I contacted him a lot between sessions and he responded in a substantive way--carrying on the therapy outside of session--this would elevate him to taking up more space in my life than I actually need (or is good for me?), but I would probably lap it up as a cat does spilt milk.

Rainbow, this is a really good thread. Thank you for being OK with hearing people's diverse experiences.