My Support Forums - View Single Post

AAAAA · Nov 28, 2010, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anjelmarie

I came on here looking for support. I am already feeling miserable, dealing with depression, anxiety and now this living situation that i'm having a very hard time dealing with. I have been posting about this for a month now in another section so maybe you don't know everything about the situation and me, maybe you do and just never responded. You have a right to your opinions of course. Yes i was looking for someone to be on my side because i really feel like everyone is looking down on me and making me out to be the bad guy. I feel like i have no one to talk to about this, i feel alone. I don't think i'm a bad person. My bf and i are in a committed relationship together we have been together for years and living together for years alone we have no children. I have supported him when i was able to work and he was unemployed. He supported me when i couldn't work. Now I am unable to work and on disability and he works, we are both contributing right now. He is a good man yes but he puts others first a lot and i do feel hurt by that. I don't think i'm a bad person because i want to be first in my partners life. I want to be a priority. I want my needs recognized. I have always put him first before my own family. My family knows that too, they know where he stands with me. He is my family. That is how i look at it. Yes I was angry on this particular post and i spoke out of anger. Maybe i sounded like i was all about myself but i am not. I spoke more about my bf and his family dynamics on another post and they make him feel responsible for them and their needs and make him feel guilty for wanting to have his own life and do things he wants to do. I know that i can't change him. I have been dealing with this for years and trying to hang in there because i do love him. He is a part of me. It is difficult for me to think of being without him. But its difficult being in the relationship and having his family and their problems in our life all the time. I know most people i talk to want to just tell me what to do they want me to either leave or stay. Its hard for me to make a choice. All i wanted was some support. I just needed to talk and maybe get some supportive words from someone because i was upset. Thats all. I wasn't expected to be criticized and made to feel like i'm a horrible person. Right now i feel anxious and depressed and seeing your responses only made me feel worse.

I was truly not trying to make you feel worse. Sometimes we are so close to a situation that we do not see that we are our own worst enemy. I have no knowledge of an ongoing problem. I was trying to give you the benefit of my own experience. I DO understand what it is like feeling helpless in your own home because a stranger is there. Over the years my husband and I have taken in many people into our home. The last one nearly destroyed our marriage.

The young woman that I have referred to as Amy in several threads caused a great deal of stress in our life. While I felt truly sorry for all Amy went through in her young life, my husband had a particular soft spot for this young girl from the time she was 10 years old. I found it particularly distressing when he sided with Amy over our own daughter. Things got pretty bad.

At the time it never occurred to me that the reason Amy spoke us the way she did wasn't out of disrespect, it was because no one ever taught her how to communicate. Her parents barked things at her so this is all she knew. At the time I only knew that I dreaded speaking to her over the most mundane things because I knew I was going to walk away livid.

During a bathroom remodel nothing was going right, I was in tears because I just couldn't take another thing going wrong. Amy stopped in the doorway and just started laughing. Such an inappropriate response... it nearly sent me over the edge. Then when my brand spanking new bathroom was completed, she invited some of her friends over and they decided to dye all of their hair black. I had black hair dye all over my brand new tub, tile, sink, floor, walls, and door. It was everywhere. My brand new rugs were ruined.

There is a thread I posted when Amy moved back to town. I was absolutely dreading this. My anxiety was off the scales. To top it off she was pregnant, does not drive (we live in a very rural area) and her biological family was unreliable at best. My husband has viewed this girl as his daughter from the moment she walked into our house at 10 years old. She didn't "officially" move in until she was 16ish. I was not prepared for the work that was coming having Amy back along with a baby.

Not my proudest moments, but I was full of resentment. The first thing was her baby shower. I knew who was going to attend and did not want to go. I didn't think I should have to go. My husband, who normally understand my social avoidance and anxiety, tried to guilt me into it. My daughter said "mom you have to go, you're the only mother she's ever had." I went, but I wasn't happy about it.

I tell you this long story because since the baby came (early at that) I have gotten to know Amy. Really know her. I would like to say that Amy grew up so we now have an awesome relationship. But the truth is I grew up. I looked beyond the comments, tone of voice, and inappropriate responses.

I am ashamed to say that young girl lived in my home for nearly 8 years and I never took the opportunity to explain to her HOW to communicate. While I supported her financially, and listened to her when she wanted to talk, I honestly never invested in her emotionally. She just plain irritated me. My youngest sons absolutely hated her. She had no respect for anyone's property or space. Instead of teaching her the correct way to act, I would just walk away. I would tell the boys that we just have to deal with it, that I was helpless. I made a lot of mistakes.

In my opinion support also comes in the form of information. I am sorry that you do not find mine helpful.