Weird: i went hrough a period where i did think i was asexual, but i am not. I do have desire ocasionally!

Michele: what do you mean plenty of people have felt or do feel like i do? I feel SO abnormal, like hiw can i go so long not knowing? All of my friends have always known on some level; some since they were kids, and some once they fell for another woman, realized they were missing something, they just didnt know what. Its been so long since i have been in any kind of relationship or felt any sort of close intimacy with another person that i dont have a clue.

My T probably has been chomping at the bit for me to really talk about this stuff with her, its me who is holding back. She has tried turning the conversation into relationship issues, and i always change the subject. She is gay, so i am not worried about her being uncomfortable.

The thing is with all of this is that i just circle round and round over the same points in my head, and never draw any conclusions. Like:

1: when i was in between 7th and 8th grade, me and my best friend messed around. I honestly do not remember much about it, just that we would lay next to each other under a blanket and explore. But my friend is straight, married and has a kid. I know she never thought much of it. Kids experiment, right? Plus i dont remember if that was pkeasurable to me or not.

2: i think guys are attractive. I have no problems making out with them, and genuinely cared for my boyfriends in HS, and enjoyed the making out/feeling each other that did go on.

3: BUT- why is it i never wanted to have sex? In HS, i had a few bf's, but only one very serious one-and he was very religious, so there was no sex. Didnt think twice about it. But really, the penis sort of frightens me! I dont think i want anything to do with it-but is that because i prefer women, or because, like everything else in my lfe, i am afraid of the unknown- and the fear has only increased as the years go on.

4: female sex doesnt necessarily make me excited either. But my one friend says she still finds guys attractive, and when she was questioning, lesbian sex didnt seem so hot either.

I could go on, but i can see both sides of everything and draw no conclusion! It probably is confused even more so by the fact that when i was 23 my parents got divorced, an my mom announced she was gay. Talk about a shock of a lifetime!!!! I saw what she went through (sort of-i live 9 hrs away), and it wasnt fun. More importantly, we have our share of issues.

Sigh. Sorry for the ramble, but i just cant bring this all up in therapy right now.