Sorry...not trying to beat this subject to death but I need to vent. OK here goes...I went to a divorce lawyer last week. I really felt like I needed to do that, not because I definitely decided to go through with it but I just needed to realistically weigh my options. It made me feel good, like just knowing more clearly what would be the general scenario if we split up ironically took some of the urgency out of doing it immediately. It gave me a little more confidence, a little bit of a feeling of control over the situation. So it calmed me a little and I started thinking the practical, responsible thing to do is to at least try some marriage counseling. I think that my son deserves us to make every possible effort at being a stable, loving family. At the very least then if things still didn't work out I could at least know that we tried everything but that it was simply not meant to be. BUT of course, my husband went snooping in my car...(I had the lawyers business card in my glove box) and I had not told him yet that I had gone...so now he's really angry that I was "being sneaky" and now he's convinced that I want to go to counseling only as a ploy to make myself look good on the advice of this lawyer. Arrrggh...I'm at my wits end...I understand he's angry but if HE was not "being sneaky" snooping in my car then he would not have found the damn business card to begin with and I would have told him when I was ready...I've always been honest...even when I know it's not particularly pleasant. Which brings me to the next point...his other argument against counseling now is that "there is no reason that he should want to try to save our marriage since I've told him I"m not in love with him" (he's basically said that he's not going to do anything that I just need to hurry up and decide if I'm staying or going and stop torturing him because he doesn't care either way anymore...um, hello why would he even want to leave me the option of staying if he thinks our marriage is not even worth saving...am I missing something here?) He is persistent that my telling him that I was not in love with him was hateful and cold and that I'm "being ugly and dishonest and sneaky." Is being honest with him about how I'm feeling "ugly" because those feelings are not what he (or I for that matter) want them to be...doesn't it make sense to go to counseling since I feel we are emotionally disconnected because I feel like he is always negative and angry ( and so damn unpredicable in these tantrums besides) and that's WHY I don't feel like I'm love with him...if HE really loved me wouldn't he care about that rather than being angry at me for it? If I can forgive him all of the hurtful things that he has done why is it so much to ask that he forgive me? I'm so confused...I'm not trying to blame everything on him or be ugly...I'm willing to admit that yes I have done some things wrong too and WE need to work on how we interact with one another if we're going to continue to be married...I just want a little happiness and if he's not looking to embrace that then I feel like I need to move on. Is that so wrong? Again I'm sorry if I'm beating this subject to death...