Yesterday I discovered some writings I had done in 2005. I had almost no memory of doing this kind of journaling, almost no memory of doing the things that I related there. I was doing really badly at the time, and I do remember that, though it seems a lot longer than only five years ago. So I guess things really have improved for me from that time.

Yet it is so easy for me to fall back into the times when I feel I can't take any more of it. Why when I make advances are they not stable? I can go from one mental condition to another within seconds! It is very, very discouraging, very disheartening, very, very frightening. And I really don't know what to do about it: as a child, and as an adult, I have been so much attacked for not always understanding everything, that losing the understandings that I have gained feels extremely dangerous. I feel that I will never get any of those understandings, those insights, back again.

The only thing to do seems to be to just "accept" that what is going on, is going on -- and to try to figure out why it is so. Not to attack myself for doing it, for failing, as I have been taught so much by others to do. I find this very difficult, because the instinct is to attack myself -- after all, that is what I was taught to do, by so many people that I trusted. Exhausting and frightening to try to take a different course, one that seems to bring no rewards, none at least outside of myself.

I am even now imaging being attacked for writing this. Maybe I should just keep quiet about "me". Maybe what I have to say is not relevant to anyone else...?