as a child, and as an adult, I have been so much attacked for not always understanding everything, that losing the understandings that I have gained feels extremely dangerous. I feel that I will never get any of those understandings, those insights, back again.

The only thing to do seems to be to just "accept" that what is going on, is going on -- and to try to figure out why it is so. Not to attack myself for doing it, for failing, as I have been taught so much by others to do. I find this very difficult, because the instinct is to attack myself -- after all, that is what I was taught to do, by so many people that I trusted.

Exhausting and frightening to try to take a different course, one that seems to bring no rewards, none at least outside of myself.