OK well this is something I have been working on, but have not mastered. I have been trying to not spend the holidays with my family. However, I once again hosted thanksgiving at my home. I tried to say no, but when there was no other person stepping up to do it, I caved in.
It was the worst for me. Although my parents brought the turkey and other things, I was worked up with anxiety. Cleaning and preparing. But wanting to disappear. Taking breaks in my bedroom on the computer, talking to friends.
We all sat for dinner together, but I felt like a stranger in my own home. I had invited the tenant downstairs to dinner because I knew they had no plans...but in the end this decision made me more miserable. I dont like him either.
Although I was glad the family could spend a holiday together, it was tense. I think we could all feel it. Now that everybody knows the secret (all but 1 brother).
I did not enjoy it. Not one bit. I just felt worked up. This is a familiar feeling...was like this as a kid too. Clean the house get ready, put on a pretty face, a pretty outfit, be presentable!!
This upcoming christmas, I want to go away. I want to take a ride with my son and do our own thing. I have been saying it for years and now the time is here where I can feel the push from inside. I do not like being around my family. I love them but I do not want to spend the holidays with them. It is torture...it is misery inside.
I just dont know how to say NO....and I really need to work on this. I dont think I can deal with another holiday making believe.