Quote:
Originally Posted by chicken_wing
... But the feelings I have for her are painful to me because I know she is only my therapist and will never love me back in any way. I have told her frequently about how it is a struggle to see her and how much it hurts not to have my love reciprocated. I try to quit therapy at least once a month I think. Every time she tells me to work through our relationship and that the process will heal me. Despite my complaints of my pain and asking her for help on a few occasions, she has never given me guidance on how to cope or deal with my feelings of unreciprocated love and rejection. My life is a story of feeling unloved and unwanted. Seeing her makes everything so much more painful. Now, I am at the point where I am angry that she hasn't helped me in this aspect. Am I wrong to expect her to give me guidance on coping with my feelings? ....
|
I wanted to go back to your original question - should I quit this therapist who won't help me deal with my feelings for her? (is that it?)
If you have a great working relationship, then no, do not quit.
I agree with others that you can probably ask more directly for what you want to know, to learn, about handling your feelings for her.
Do you think about her often, every day?
Outside of therapy, are you mostly focused on your relationship with the T when you think about therapy?
She may want you to learn to live with the discomfort, since that's a skill. She's not rejecting you. You want something that she cannot give. BUT, you may prefer that she is more direct with you about how she feels about you?
Why don't you love me? Ex: "ChickenWing, you are right, I am never going to love you. But, know that I care about your well-being. I love my job, and I love being able to help you."
I think about you so much, and I love you so much. Ex: "CW, it's so nice that you love me. It's not the same feeling for me; you are a client who I am taking care of, and it's part of my profession to help you. Each week I spend time thinking about all of my clients, considering the work we have done and what is coming next. But I don't otherwise think of you between sessions".
In 2009 I spent a great deal of time thinking about how much I loved my exT (male). Every 4-6 wk I would consider - is this really working? Maybe I need a new T, he's not helping me deal with my transference, the idealized parent that I made of him. But in the session, we focused on my stuff, and I learned good things.
Once I started to ask myself the question "Who is it that I'd like to love in the way that I love my therapist?" then I got close to the deeper issues.
And, "Who is it in my life that I wish would treat me with the loving kindness that my therapist shows me?" and "What things are happening in this relationship with the T that I love so much, how can I have those things in other relationships?"
I do hope you and your T can get down to the practical elements of this relationship building.
We never have to ask the T to be kind to us, to treat us with respect, to listen when we are angry or sad and not respond with judgment.
