today is my oldest brother's birthday. i can't say that i am really wanting to call him and wish him a happy birthday, it's more the idea that i can't that bothers me.

i know my family would be just tickled if i would call him up and apologize to him for accusing him of molesting me when i was a kid and wish him a happy birthday and make amends and all that... but i can't. i just CAN'T.

my little secret has turned into the big elephant in the room. only most of my family truly pretends it is not there. i talked to my dad on thanksgiving (after he had to call me back because he was on the other line with my brother) and he again talked about trying to get my brother and his family to come out for a visit and getting everyone together.

it's like a slap in the face.

yes, i told them that i was done discussing 'it' with them and that i was not going to talk about 'it'. but that doesn't mean that i'm saying it didn't happen and it doesn't mean i can ignore what happened between us all. and i know that my brother has no interest in having contact with me either. so i'm not real sure what planet my parents are living on now...

i feel like such an outcast. i feel very alone and lost. i hate having to maintain a relationship with most of my family with this big THING between us.

how nice for them that they can just ignore it...