Do you know what I realised today?
I realised that I wish I never existed.
No, not I wish to die.
I don't want to die. That would hurt the people I care for and just cause so much trouble. Plus, it never seemed to work anyway.
But I wish that I never existed. Never was born.
I havent contributed anything to the earth, nor will I ever. I'm useless at everything I try. Be it cheering others up, acting, giving advice, drawing, etc.

It's very confusing. I dont feel particularly sad anymore.
Just numb.
I mean, I still feel guilty and scared and hopeless and worthless. But not sad.
I dont think this feels better than being sad though. At least with sad I could label it and cry and write about it. With numbness, its as if there's nothing that I can do about it.

I also feel bad because I cut myself for the first time in a couple of weeks. I keep trying to stop, but i'm not strong enough.

I told some old friends about how I feel the other night. Everything. But they joked about it, thought i was kidding.
I can't tell them again. I'm too scared.
And I cant tell anyone else.
The one person I feel that I could tell has so many problems of his own that are more important and serious than mine, that I dont want to share my negativity with him.

So, as with every post I make on here, I end with how I'm feeling stuck.
I dont know what to do. You'd think after 5 1/2 years this would be over.
I've even tried herbal remedies, none of which work. But I'm too much of a wuss to go to the doctors (the last time I went was over 7 years ago).

Sod this.

Sorry about the rant guys, but I dont know who else I can talk to. xxxxx