I didn’t start DBT sooner because I resisted. I tried DBT again today but I just absolutely hate it. I hate it. It’s a no-go for me, I think. Maybe when I am in a better mindset I will be less resistant to it.

My T is psychodynamic, so I guess that’s why I have control of the sessions. If I specifically ask for help on something, she does give me guidance. But maybe I want her to give me advice without asking? I mean, I won’t always know what to ask and what’s best for me.

Sunrise, thank you for the book suggestions. I will look into them.
I do think it would be helpful to learn more about BPD and understand why I act the way I do. I’m still not sure if I need an official diagnosis. My T told my insurance company I am treated for anxiety because I do unfortunately have panic attacks.
I met with my T today and she said that I am discounting the warm feelings she does have for me, that I dismissed them because it wasn’t the love that I wanted. She is always willing to talk to me. Sigh. I either don’t want to talk or listen. Or maybe I can’t trust or accept what she tells me. I am a mess. It is frustrating that she mentions my parents whenever we discuss my love for her. I don’t care what transference says; I love T for herself. I will admit that my fear of losing her may be related to the past.

We also discussed how I think of her outside the office. She thought I imagined spending time with her, socializing, etc or wondering what she is doing. I don’t do these things at all. I think about what I want to tell her or remember something she said to me during sessions. If I feel down, which is all the time, I think of her for comfort. The content of my thoughts do not cross the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship. At most, I have imagined that *I* am special to her.

I know I am pathetic, but is it so wrong to want someone you love to love you back??
I don’t know if I will end up terminating. I’d miss her so much but man the pain!

Tangentially, reading my moniker in your responses has made me realize it is such a ridiculous name!