some triggers are basically understandable, even by someone on the outside. Other stuff, though. Wow. It really makes me wonder how I'll ever be ok.

example:

I have T tomorrow. This has been on my mind, off and on, all day. As it gets later and later, it is on my mind more and more. Tonight I am suddenly very sad and miss T LIKE CRAZY. Thinking about it, I think I miss her because I only talked to her once in the week since I saw her last, and because so much has happened in that time. I have been so busy and so sick and had so much going on, I didn't think about T very much.

And I think that makes part of me, what some of you may call my younger parts, feel scared and insecure. That I'm "growing up" and don't need T as much, this week, as I have in the past. Knowing that this is part of the journey, and the end of the journey is saying goodbye to T. It just makes me feel all dizzy and spiraley.

I say I want to get better, and I DO want to get better. But it is SO SCARY. I know how to be the way I've always been. I do not know how to be healthy. It scares the $hit out of me. My T has been with me as my life changed utterly, as I came back from the brink of death. How can I not attribute at least part of my healing to her? And if I do that, then how can I know that I will stay healthy without her??

(hey! just now realized, my session last week was on Monday, so it's actually been over a week since I've seen her. Am I so used to seeing her every 7 days that I can feel it in my gut that too much time has passed, even if I'm not aware of it? weird.)