((((((((rainbow))))))))

i'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and unloved. i know you are rather conflicted as to whether therapy can be a help or hindrance for you. i think only time will tell but of course i hope it turns out to be a huge help for you.

one thing i've always wondered is if what you seek with your Ts is even possible to have in healthy real-life relationships. it may be that what you have with your Ts is more about being addicted to excitement rather than real pleasure which has its moments of ecstasy but is not in a constant state of arousal. when we've had (emotionally, physically,etc.) chaotic childhoods our brain chemistry literally becomes altered and we become addicted to excitement. this could be what is at play in your desire for great intensity with your Ts and your finding normal life rather unsatisfying. a simple analogy would be the difference between eating a healthy diet with occasional sweets and a diet of all desserts all the time which of course would make us sick and out of balance. so, it may be more about pursuing healthy relationships that have their occasional ups & downs, and lots of routine but pleasurable times rather than seeking a continual state of stimulation which can be fun and exciting for the moment but later leaves us exhausted, spent and ultimately unfulfilled.