Quote:
Originally Posted by WePow
 What is wrong with me?
My little brother was in town - which was great. I enjoyed seeing him and his wife. It is not the brother with the nieces, so I didn't have to worry about any of that. But over breakfast this AM he told me that he had large blank spots of memory from the years where we were growing up. 
I ended up almost crying in public because we were talking about that stuff and I told his wife that was the reason I will never go back to Florida. She had went off in an email a few years ago and said some odd stuff she later appologized for. But one of the things she raged about was trying to say I needed to take care of the parents. So I was making sure she knew why I could never do that.
For some reason, saying all that just put me over the edge a bit.
I ended up drinking today - which I had been doing great controling. And doing some other bad behavior t hings which now just makes me even more angry with myself - 
So I wrote myself in my email journal but then dumby me sent it on to my T.  UGGGGG!!!! As if he wants to hear all that junk!
I am not seeing him until Friday. I saw him last Monday. I am now feeling very strange because with the holiday, I have not had any real communication or even email in several days. Can't I just hold it together without HIM??? 
I hate feeling like this.  |
((((WePow)))))
It might not sound like it when in the middle of a crisis, but those of us who have followed you on your journey know that you have made huge progress recently. Imagine mentioning these difficult issues to family members a few months ago? What would that have brought on for you, had it even been possible? Even now, talking about it to others will be triggering; that's just a fact. If you think about it, people without a history of trauma don't have to worry about all this and have these kinds of conversations. They don't always have to navigate horrific family truths through the channels of decorum. It is a very difficult task, and you are doing it, so please give yourself some credit. It is hard having to convince members of the family, having to tell them about the things you'd rather keep hidden; it is hard to know what to tell and how - and unfortunately no one else can do it for you. WePow, this is a tremendous burden. And you've been managing so wonderfully: you haven't actually needed your T for several days and have been stable for quite a long time. Do you remember where you were only a month or two ago? Going from crisis to crisis? You might be feeling terrible right now, but remind yourself that this isn't the case most of the time. And that is impressive progress!
You are asking "what is wrong with me"? Well, someone in the past did something horrible and unforgiveable to you, and now you have to live with it, recover from it, reinvent yourself and your life, and on top of all that, explain it to everyone in the family. Hmmm. Any volunteers? (((WePow))), I wish perpetrators asked the "what is wrong with me" question a bit more often. The world would be a much better place.