This is something I talked about with T yesterday, I emailed her after session and her reply really touched the spot.

I wrote..

Talking about the "baby" today feels like I've reached the itch that I normally can't reach...I think that baby runs the show a lot and also I think I am scared of that baby like my mum was, and I think when you go away I feel angry that you are abandoning that baby...and I think I'm scared of letting go of that baby and being fully adult because I may loose you, but that could be the baby doing the thinking there...bye

and T replied

Dear "melba"

Yes, I think you've internalized your mother's fear and rage at the baby you. I know what you mean about being afraid that if you 'lose' the baby you would lose me too, but that's not going to happen and I think there's more of a danger that you don't hold onto the baby enough, actually. It's good that you are aware that it's that part of you that feels abandoned when I go away, but I wonder if there's also an aspect of being angry because you then have to manage that part on your own - as if we are both parenting her but you don't feel able to maintain it alone.

The baby is representing an inner need - in that sense, as soon as you begin to feel the need is met, you become terrified that it will be withdrawn. I think this must have been part of the dynamic between you and your mother too - that she would sometimes begin to meet your needs and then withdraw again.

Love, ****