Trigger Warning-emotional abuse details

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always used lack of money (which is true) as a barrier to why I could not visit my parents for vacations. I say that since I am a student or was saving up for school I did not have the disposable income that would allow me to do this. It has always been my way of getting out of having to visit them for vacations since I was in college. The last time I was home my mom told me that I should "go blow my brains out." After that trip home my senior year of undergrad I promised myself that I wound not sleep under their roof again. The money story has held up since then. However, today my dad (who doesn't think anything wrong happened and thinks that if anything wrong did happen it is my fault because I should not have upset my mom, it was my job to keep her calm.)

Today my dad called (and luckily got my voicemail.) He said that they would pay for my trip to visit them for vacation. I'm a student so I have a good two weeks or so where I don't have classes. This is my worst nightmare. I will have to tell him something when I next talk to him. And he will expect me to return his call somewhat soon as I know he likes to buy plane tickets way in advance.

I always end up getting really really depressed after seeing my parents. It is really bad. I can't put myself back into that situation. I have friends in the area that I really miss, but would feel obligated to stay at my parent's house if I went to visit. Plus since it is the holidays my friends would be busy with their families.

I don't know what to do. Help me!

Do I tell them that I don't want to visit and deal with their backlash to that? Do I tell them that I would be willing to visit them, but need to stay somewhere else? Last time I was in town I stayed at my brother's apartment but he has a tiny one now with nowhere for me to sleep. Do I tell them I'm not willing to come? I just don't know what to do. If I go I'm sure I am going to end up feeling like I am going insane. I thought that I was finally away from them!

Help Me Please!