I say to myself how much it sucks to be bipolar, how unfair it is to have to live my life this way. Sometimes I wish so hard that I was not bipolar and that I could click my heals and go back to being somewhat sane, like before I was a teenager.
Then I wonder if I would even know myself if suddenly I was no longer bipolar.
The times when the thoughts are going through my head a million miles an hour and it seems like there is a traffic jam, I could do without. The irritability as well could gtfo.
But
When I'm good, I'm really good. I actually like myself, find myself funny and interesting and can go for days. Is this so freaken bad? Ok I don't want to be manic but I want things to be good. Trying to find some peace and still be ok at the same time, ie not bouncing off the walls in my mind, would be nice.
For me the depression side is my own personal hell, I know I'm there but I can't get out. If there were someone who could throw me a rope and pull me out that would be nice.
If I seem like I'm complaining, I'm sorry. I know it could be worse, I feel like I'm doing pretty good as I've been out of the hospital for almost 9 years when I spent the better part of the previous ten years hospitalized. I do cycle but it's fairly manageable.
The non functioning periods are also horrifying as I have children and I want them to be affected by my mental illness as little as possible Trying to still be "mom" and hiding this makes things harder.
I'm so freaken happy I found this place, you can ignore me if I talk to much and I'll never feel the rejection.
I took a psychology class in college and for one of the projects we had was to take your weaknesses and find a way to view them as a positive. I've tried to live a lot of my life this way since then. Emphasis on tried. The positive side of being bipolar has eluded me.
Bipolar is teh suck