rmm, there is no need to apologize for venting here - that's what this place is for. And sometimes you need to go through things more than once in order to process them...you are certainly not the first person to post repeatedly about the same issues...and I think it may actually be healthy.

Anyway, I can sort of relate to what you are going through...I was engaged once to a man who had similar patterns. A common pattern of abuse is for the abuser to turn everything around to make it the other person's fault..."I'm acting horrible and abusive toward you because you did something to make me be that way." From what you say, I sense that is your husband's pattern as well. Focusing on you being "ugly and dishonest and sneaky" is just his way of deflecting any of his own responsibility for the problems in your marriage. It is not surprising that he is resistant to counseling, either. Even if he may not show it, I'm sure deep down he realizes that a counselor would tell him that he needs to change. He knows he's not really right, but if he can keep you isolated as long as possible, he can keep trying to convince you that he is right and you are wrong. A counselor would ruin that for him by giving you outside confirmation that you are not doing anything wrong.

I can't even begin to know what is the right course of action for you. He says that you need to just make up your mind about whether you will stay or go. So, you might want to tell him that the only way you will stay is if he goes to counseling...but if you say it, you should really mean it, and be prepared to leave if he won't go. If you're not prepared to actually give up on the marriage yet, it might help for you to go to counselling on your own. Even if he is not there, a counselor could help you learn skills for how to handle things in your marriage.

Good luck,
mj